When UST Goes Wild
by DamnSkippy
Summary: Bones has a gun and this is why she really shouldn’t. Character death [it’s okay, you probably won’t care]. AN: This is a PARODY, kids. That means it's not a serious story but, rather, a humorous attempt to poke fun at the show and fanfiction in general


"Put the gun down, Bones."

Booth waves the denied gun permit in her face. From the crumpled appearance, it seems he carries it with him at all times for just this type of situation.

"See? You know you aren't allowed to have that."

"Is that really the point right now?" Cam jabs Booth in the back and takes a quick peek around his shoulder to see if Brennan might actually listen to him. Seeing the barrel of the gun quickly shift to her forehead, she retreats to the shelter of his massive body.

"Come out from behind there you stealer of jobs and men!" Bones pulls back on the revolver's hammer enjoying the rasp of the tumbler as it rolls into position. She smiles maniacally.

"C'mon, Bones, you know she means nothing to me. She's just a way to get my shirt and pants off for the ratings without really destroying this very special relationship we've got going. She'll be gone once the angst has played itself out."

"Not if I can help it," Cam says as she remains cowering behind her FBI shield.

"See! See! She's evil and must die!"

Hodgins walks in carrying a bowl of fried insects that he's just whipped up in the Spaminerator. "Did I miss anything? Hey, where did she get the gun?"

"No one knows," Angela says. "It's like she's an Immortal pulling that sword out of nowhere. Fascinating."

As the bowl of bugs passes under her nose, Angela quickly pushes it toward Zach in disgust. "Hodgie, gross! You know how I feel about your bug fetish."

"Actually, Angela, insects are the world's greatest source of protein," Zach offers as he daintily picks up a charred morsel. "Wait, these are dermestid maculates. This is Frank! I recognize the little dimple on his left rump. You roasted my beetles!"

"Relax, Zachagetti, you've got a million of 'em. Besides, with my secret seasonings, they're better than Buffalo wings. Pass the hooch."

"Does anybody care that Bones has a gun and wants to kill Camille?" Booth asks as his hands gesture wildly and his eyes roll about in a decidedly Groucho Marx homage way.

"Don't call me Camille, Seeley."

"Aren't they just the cutest thing?" Angela asks while sighing dramatically and peering at the potentially dead couple with love in her heart.

"Ange, you're supposed to be on my side. You're the one that said I should go for the friends with benefits…thing…with Booth." Brennan uses the deadly weapon to point madly at Booth in a way that suggests she knows exactly what the benefits "thing" would be in spite of the fact that she doesn't know what that means.

"Sorry, Sweetie. Ever since Cam came, the sizzle de hizzle is obviously between those two. You're just too white bread for the home boy," Angela says, channeling her inner ZZ-Top/Chinese Rap Group heritage.

"I don't know what that means," they all say at once.

"I do," booms an African American/Samoan/ethnically uncertain voice from behind the not-quite-redheaded, forensic anthropologist.

"Sid! Where the hell have you been?" Booth skips across the lab in an ambiguously gay way and grabs the big man in a bear hug leaving Cam wide open for the kill shot.

"Don't hug me, man. You know I hate that shit," Sid says as he wipes the offensive hug germs off his shirt.

"Seeley!" Cam shouts, foolishly drawing attention back to herself.

"Don't call him Seeley," Brennan says as she fires the illegally obtained and magically appearing gun.

The bullet hits Camille square in the chest. Before she falls to the floor, Brennan runs over and flips her to the ground pushing her heel in her throat since she is a master marksperson as well as an expert in martial arts and can do anything she wants with no consequences.

Brennan twirls the gun around on her index finger and says, "Who's up for Wong Foo's?"

The Squints hop off the lab table and shrug off their lab coats except, of course, for Camille who is bleeding to death with a crushed windpipe.

"Are you all insane?" Booth says. "We can't go to Wong Foo's. Don't you know what happened here?"

"If you mean that Dr. Brennan just gutted your main squeeze and we all seem to be fine with that, then, no, we all have selective amnesia," Hodgins says as he winks at Angela and then Booth.

Booth's eyes twinkle for a moment before he realizes he's a heterosexual with no interest whatsoever in the real redhead in the room.

"No, that's not what I mean. I've already forgotten about that and, if the authorities find out about it, I've already got plausible deniability figured out. No! I'm talking about the fact that there is no Wong Foo's to go to!"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that" Sid says, clearly not worried about the dead body any more than the rest of them. If it doesn't involve food or his kitchen, it doesn't exist thanks to many years studying the teachings of Allah/Tagaloa/Buddha – insert whichever ancestral religion fits best here.

"It seems apparent that your establishment no longer exists since we've been forced to eat every meal at the stereotypical greasy food local diner for the past few months," Zach replies in his more than necessary information manner, "which, by the way, appeared out of nowhere but must be very conveniently located because it's more efficient to meet there than talk in our own lab."

"I really don't like that place," Brennan adds just because she can say anything she likes and no one really listens to her anyway.

"I think it's kind of boho-artsy-get-laid-in-the-middle-of-the-day groovy," Angela says saucily, being wildly inappropriate in front of the dead body and everyone else.

"Angela, this is important," says Booth. "Everything isn't about sex and especially not sex with me."

"Oh, it so is," Angela replies with a sexy smirk that leaves everyone, including Booth, wondering if she's already had sex with him.

"Can't you people shut up?" Sid says so softly that the sound guy can't hear him and the people typing the closed captioning have to guess at what he said, but everyone else in the room appears to have heard and immediately focuses on him.

"That's better," Sid says and turns to leave.

"Wait! What about Wong Foo's?" Booth asks.

An enigmatic smile rolls across his face like a fast moving storm front. It disappears quickly as Sid gives the slightest nod of his head and leaves apparently expecting them to follow.

"What did that mean?" Brennan asks.

Booth shrugs. "I think it means now that Cam's dead we no longer need the pathology lab, and we can have the Wong Foo set back."

"Oh! Cool," says Hodgins. "I miss that seven organ soup, man."

As everyone trails out, Zach takes one last look around his home away from home and sighs contentedly as everything looks as it should once again. Glancing at the floor, he sees that the body of Camille is now gone leaving only undigested bones.

"Hodgins! Did you leave the beetle jars open again?"


End file.
